Teachers, health people, parents and peers are always dropping the same, sound safe sex advice: Be monogamous, wait for sex if you can, limit your partners, wear a condom and get tested. This is all great advice, but they never tell you HOW to negotiate all these rules and requests!

First things first: Monogamy and waiting for sex. The general sentiment of our society is that you should wait for sex and if you have it, it should be in a relationship where you and your partner are exclusive. That’s what the sentiment is, but TV, music and every other facet of culture emphasizes free love, making it hard to find that balance between waiting for sex and jumping in.

If you’re on the fence about having sex, don’t do it. If you’re not sprung on your partner, don’t do it. If you don’t want “your number” of partners getting higher, don’t do it. If you’re not prepared to live with the consequences of a sexual relationship, which can range from hurt feelings to contracting an STD, don’t do it. Don’t be afraid to visit Scarleteen’s Sex Readiness Checklist to see if now’s the time for you to do the deed or if it’s better to hold off.  

However, it’s important to stay sex-positive, even if you’re not sure about taking the plunge!  Sex is a fundamental part of one’s mental and physical health, so take a moment and peruse Scarleteen’s With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body for a 360-degree view of sexual health based on the principles of pleasure.

Getting Tested

The sound safe sex advice usually crescendos at monogamy but there’s a huge component that is sometimes forgotten: Get your STD and HIV tests BEFORE you jump into a monogamous relationship and have sex!!!  Once you do the deed, it’s almost impossible to motivate someone to get tested, and the longer you wait, the more awkward the conversation becomes.

So how do you ask your partner to get an STD or HIV test without insinuating they’re dirty or diseased?  It’s a fine line you find yourself walking.  You can Google pictures of STDs  and scare your partner into getting tested OR you can talk about all the things you want to do with your partner but you can’t until they get tested.  It’s like dangling the proverbial sex carrot in their face as a motivator to stay healthy.  Sex is naturally pleasurable so feel free to focus on that in relation to being responsible.

Another great way to get your partner tested is to talk generally about your sexual history – NOT about your number of partners – and express concern about the status of your partner’s previous partners.  In a way you’re insinuating that your partner’s previous partners might have been a bit nasty, but hey – it’s a real concern and will hopefully stimulate your current boo to think (worry).  Regardless of whether your current boo has had a lot of one-night stands or one partner until you, the conversation should end with you two agreeing to get tested – preferably together.  Going to get tested with your partner can ease a lot of the initial anxiety and make it easier for you to make a return visit six months later for your routine check-up.  Hitting the clinic with them will also make it easier for them to discuss the results of their tests.

With all that said, getting tested is the easy part.  Asking to see your partner’s results or trusting that their results are clean is the hardest part. Also, some STDs are curable and some are lifelong - Click Here and check out the chart to see what's what.  If you went to the clinic together, you should feel empowered to ask your partner about their results.  Ask that they be honest and offer your results up in exchange.  Don’t have this discussion just as you’re getting down.  Try it when you are alone and sober – perhaps during a romantic picnic or on the ride home from the movies. 

It's more important that you are honest with each other than that you both come out "clean." If you aren’t sure your partner is being honest, don’t have sex with them.  Be firm and trust your instincts.  If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.  Always be kind and reassure your partner that, no matter the results, you two will deal with it together.

If you're still worried about talking to your partner about STDs, check out these great tips from inSPOT.  Don’t wait!  Get tested now! Stop the worrying…